From a Fortune 100 Company to Hollywood.

I’ve thought through many different ways as to how to talk about this, and each iteration I found myself never satisfied with the result. I’ve decided Instead of trying to find the perfect words, I’d just write and share part of my story. My hope is that in reading this it will help re-ignite the flame for someone who may be going through a tough patch of life.

Roughly two years ago I found myself at very weird place in my life.
I was about three years into a fast-growing and excellent career as a Product Designer working for a Fortune 100 company building a great reputation.
I remember my offer letter for the job coming in 2 months before college graduation. I was only 21, and it felt like I was floating on top of the world.

As soon as I started, I fell in love with the job. It allowed me to work with great people every day and have all my basic needs met. However, as the years went by I began noticing something: I found myself dissatisfied and unfulfilled, for reasons I couldn’t quite explain or put my finger on.

Initially, I was able to distract myself by doubling-down on my work. I tried to push the feeling/thought away by telling myself to suck it up. I would say things to myself like, “I should just be thankful that I’m here.” Though that sentiment was true, it didn’t tell the full story.

The last thing I wanted to do was be ungrateful; Black-Americans have been under-represented in Tech for years, and I had been given what many would call “ the opportunity of a lifetime.”

But the truth is, you can only live in denial for only so long, and one day It all caught up to me. I remember reaching a point where I felt my life-force evaporating; it felt as if I was becoming a zombie. It was as if the inner voice that I had tried to suppress for over a year finally had given up.
I knew something needed to change but I was paralyzed by fear.

It was at this time that many other elements of my life seemed to be uncertain, out of my control, and I could feel the weight of it all building up.

At the peak of all of this confusion, I received news that would become the straw that broke the camels back: I got a call informing me that one of my closest childhood friends took his life and committed suicide. I remember feeling my heart sink into the ground beneath me. I sat there with the phone to my ear stunned. Was this real? Are we sure we’re talking about the right person? It quite literally felt as if someone had pulled the entire world from under my feet.

Every day for the next few weeks I desperately avoided thinking about it. Trying to shake it off, telling myself things like “ bad things just happen, that’s just part of life.” This poor attempt of a coping mechanism would only make things harder for me. It’s also worth noting, that this was the first time in my life I was living in a city away from family and friends; this isolation only made things worst.

As loved ones checked-in on me to see how I was doing, I would reply with a standard “yeah, I’m cool” and quickly change topics. Day after day — week after week I would go into work (where I already was morally exhausted) trying to not acknowledge what had happened, going about business as usual. However, the reality was I was completely broken and I didn’t want to accept it.

Then the memories began pouring in: I remembered the summertime and after school days of playing video games, making music, and just being kids. The thought of them not being on this earth, even more so through this type of tragedy, was something that could not register in my mind.

One day I decided to go read the last conversation we had. I came across a Facebook message from him that was marked unread and sent 2 months before his passing. My heart jumped. It said the following:

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you. The way everybody is losing their life out there in the streets, you never know when it could be one of us. And if it is one of us I want to at least let you know that I cared about you. Forward this to everyone you care about including me.”

What had already felt like insurmountable grief multiplied.. I was completely destroyed. Was this a cry for help that I missed? Could a simple response have made the difference between life & death? So many questions overwhelmed my mind. In the following weeks, I found myself in one of the darkest places in my life. And my actions began to reflect that.

This was my first adult close encounter with the death of a loved one.

Then came the day when it all hit. I was sitting in my car talking to a friend of mine on the phone during a lunch break. A few moments into the conversation, he said to me “go inside, talk to your manager and take the day off, you’re in a bad place Jeff.”

Following our call I remember scanning my badge to get back in the building, walking past the security desk and then eventually approaching my managers desk asking if we could speak privately in a conference room.

As we sat down I began sharing what was going on/had happened over the past 2 months, and as I tried to kept it together I couldn’t just couldn’t fight it anymore and began weeping ENDLESS tears. I was inconsolable.
This was the first time I had verbalized and truly acknowledged what had happened.

I want to take a short moment to express how much to this day I appreciate Anand, my manager, for the level of compassion and professionalism he extended towards to me that day & the months after.

As the combination of my personal and professional life snowballed it became too much to bear and I decided it was in my best interest to take some much needed time away from work. My body became physically ill. Completely void and empty, my desire to do anything vanished. The things I once loved to do all became meaningless and felt purposeless. I was only able to make it through the day by living life on auto-pilot. I found myself barely holding on, at times really just by a string.

Despite this inner turmoil, I put on a fake smile every day. I slowly pulled away from my friends, family, and lived in a dark place. For a year, I lived with no hope, faith, or will. I truly did not see any light at the end of the tunnel for myself, and didn’t know if I would make it through.

To the friends/family who came to visit, whether they were aware of the situation or not; I say thank you from the bottom of my heart, and give thanks to God for giving me the strength to push through.

It was in my darkest hours that something interesting started happening. I began reassessing & analyzing EVERY aspect of my life: what I was doing with my life, what I wanted to do with my life, who was in my life, and much more. It was in the depths of what felt like complete darkness, the courage to bet on myself was birthed.

Within the year I made a decision not to return to the Fortune 100 company, where I had started my career. Forsaking what I once thought was the opportunity of a lifetime to embrace the unknown and uncertainty. It was at this moment that what I had been looking for, came knocking at my door.

About two years prior to these events, I had been introduced to a business contact through a mutual friend. We had kept in touch periodically, but it seemed as if it was a dead end. When I was at my complete lowest, I got a phone call from this contact.

They had called about an opportunity to take a risk. During my life reassessment, I had decided to take my career in a different direction. This opportunity was a perfect match. In two days I packed all my belongings into a storage unit and relocated to Los Angeles, CA to start a new chapter of my life.

*I will note, a momentous change like this happening right before/during a worldwide Pandemic wasn’t the most ideal scenario, but when the world shut down I saw it as another hill to climb as my journey of crossing over.*

In closing, those who know me well know that I’m a private person who deeply values his privacy. I contemplated long and hard if I should ever publish these words. But in a recent conversation, the following was said to me: “This is part of your story and you have to share it because you never know who may need to hear it”.

I say all of this to say this…if you’re reading this and you feel like you are on your last leg, feel like calling it quits, and/or throwing in the towel, my advice to you is t his— DON’T. GIVE. UP. The toughest moments in life always come before a breakthrough or calling is revealed. If you feel like you’re sinking, find one person you can talk to, and tell them what’s going on.

Even to those reading this who don’t know me well or at all, shoot me a message. I promise it DOES get better.

Also, check on your friends, check on your loved ones. You never know what someone is walking through. It’s easy to bandage a bloody arm or call for help when someone has a broken leg; but it’s hard and near impossible to give aid when the wounds are internal and you can’t visibly see the damage.

As a result of my own experience, I made a vow to myself that I go the extra mile to be there for those in my life in ways I never have before. It all starts with a simple call, a simple text.

With one year under my belt here in L.A, I’m thankful to say that I’ve been able to take the proper steps to heal and return back to the things in which I love; film & tech. I’ve gained the immeasurable experience of a lifetime working as a Producer and 1st Assistant Director under my mentor Mark Brown, Creator and Writer of hit movie series “Barbershop”, and films such as “Two Can Play That Game”, and “How To Be A Player”. I am thankful for him taking a chance on me, and grateful that he has chosen to invest his time in my development.

I don’t know what lies ahead, but what I do know is I’ve taken the jump and leap of faith to start.

There’s a lot of work to be done, but I’ve dedicated myself to that process. There have been plenty things that has happened in the past year and I look forward to giving insight as to what I’ve been up to.

To my friend who we lost too soon, who lived life LOUD, who unapologetically was himself every single day I knew him, and who dared to be different; I will forever carry that with me & I love you.

With a renewed heart, mind, soul, and faith I’m committed to pursuing my path and purpose to the fullest extent, making the most out of every day with a drive & hunger that is anchored in things that money can’t buy.

Jeff